The stress of the holiday season is magnified for divorcing families. Your family is already going through a huge transition, and then the holiday season arrives, which is all about bringing together – you guessed it – families. This is definitely not what you need right now, but since you can’t stop time, how can you cope? Every holiday I am given the challenge of trying to guide my soon-to-be divorced client’s through the emotional minefield that is the holiday season. Typically client’s want to know how to make things as “normal” for the kids as possible; how to share the holidays with the kids and the future ex; and whether they should avoid the soon-to-be ex-in-laws or reach out to them.
The best advice I can give is to be flexible; try to minimize conflicts; be open to alternative celebrations; put on a happy face even when you feel anything but happy; never make decisions in anger; and try to use common sense to resolve conflicts. Ask yourself, is this argument for an extra hour with the kids on Christmas morning worth the stress on you and the kids? Realize that not every battle is worth waging.
Here are some guidelines you should consider, both in the short term and for the long term as you work towards developing strategies for handling the holidays:
#1. Do it anyway. It’s been a tough year and you really don’t feel like celebrating. But you have to do it anyway, for yourself and your children. So put up the lights, decorate the tree, light the menorah, plant a smile on your face, do some shopping, and go to a holiday party or two. Actively participating in the seasonal celebrations may even help lift your spirits, and your kids will appreciate the efforts you’ve made to give them a sense of normalcy. One caveat here – if you find yourself depressed and unable to get through your day-to-day routines, or you cannot push yourself to participate, you may be suffering from depression. If that’s the case, please speak to your doctor or therapist to help get you through the holiday season.
#2. It’s all about the kids. If this is your first holiday season apart from your future ex, your goal for this holiday season is to maintain as many traditions as possible for the sake of the children. If the kids have spent every Christmas Eve since their birth with Grandma Ruby, it may well be best to let them do so again this year. Yes, they will eventually get used to sharing holidays differently then before, but while the separation is still new, and there are so many other changes for the kids to get used to, following a routine can be comforting for a child, at least in the beginning. Yes you can and will build new traditions together, but they are still getting used to the changes, so easing the transition and taking it slow should be your goal. So take a deep breathe, send the kids to Grandma Ruby’s again this year, and think about how to handle next year when the kids will most likely be with you.
#3. The time to start a new tradition is now (and don’t be a slave to the calendar). So the kids have always spent Thanksgiving at Aunt Sue’s house, but you’re no longer on the guest list. You may do better to just let them continue to go to Aunt Sue’s for the holiday every year, while you pick a new “Thanksgiving Day” to celebrate with the kids and the rest of your family. I have one client who let her ex have Thanksgiving every year, and she celebrates with the kids and her siblings and their families on the Friday after Thanksgiving. The bonus is, there are no scheduling conflicts on the Friday after Thanksgiving, so everyone is free to come the day after!
#4. Set Reasonable Limits and Expectations. What about holiday gifts for the kids? The kids will make their usual list, and cash-flow permitting, both parents will overbuy as they did before – so the kids now get twice as much, and sometimes in duplicate! While you fret about how to share the holidays and maintain the spirit of the season, your kids quickly learn that the holidays are a boom-time! If this is not the message you want to send, then you must speak to your child’s other parent before you start shopping. Ideally, you will share the kids’ wish lists with each other and set limits together. Setting reasonable limits and expectation is always best for the kids – whether you are married or not.
#5. Your soon-to-be ex-in-laws are still family. Like it or not, the soon-to-be ex-in-laws will remain family, at least to your children, once you and your spouse divorce. Ideally they will be sharing many wonderful milestone moments with you and your children for years to come, so maintaining a decent relationship with them is pretty important if you don’t want to find yourself glaring at one another across the auditorium as your child graduates from Princeton. Make the decision to send the right message to them early on in the divorce process so that those future milestone moments can be the happy ones they should be. The holiday season is just the time to help that effort along. Unless you think your effort will be wildly misunderstood, go ahead and send the former in-laws birthday and holiday cards; and if you see a gift your nephew would love, send it to him. Bridges are built one step at a time, so get going.
#6. What works for someone else may not work for your family, so customize accordingly and think outside the box. Most families share holidays by alternating them from year to year, so the kids spend Christmas Day with dad in odd years and with mom in even years. But what if your family spends Christmas Eve together each year, while your former spouse’s family spends Christmas Day together each year? Is it OK that the kids spend every Christmas Eve with you and every Christmas Day with your ex? Absolutely! What if your ex would be more then happy to spend Thanksgiving with a Stouffer’s lean cuisine Turkey Enchilada entrée, while Thanksgiving for your family is the not-to-be-missed social event of the year? Great, then the kids should be with you every year for Thanksgiving. Does your ex spouse and her family spend Fourth of July each year at a huge reunion in the Hamptons? Perfect! That’s a fair trade for Thanksgiving! In the end, think about how your families celebrate each holiday and where your kids would likely prefer to be (you don’t want to force them to go to Aunt Helga’s house when they could be in the Hamptons) and use that as your guide. Your kids are building their childhood memories now, and they have preferences, so consider these issues when discussing future holiday sharing with your ex.
Yes the holidays will likely be more stressful then usual, but you can make it work for you and your family. Try to retain some of the old traditions, while working on creating some new ones – because all of those traditions will likely be the cherished memories your kids will carry into adulthood. In the end, you will need to set aside your feelings a lot of the time, substitute a good dose of common sense, keep it respectful, and focus on putting the kids’ needs first. If your ex doesn’t follow these rules, and many will not, try leading by example, and when that doesn’t fly, get the rules in writing in a divorce agreement you can live with. This year will be tough – really tough – but it usually does get better. Try leading by example, and if nothing else, your kids will appreciate your efforts.
Good Luck and Happy Holidays from The Law Offices of Francine Pickett Cohen, LLC
Copyright © 2011, Francine Pickett Cohen, Esq., All Rights Reserved
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